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Tips to Help Your Children Once the Divorce is Final

The best way to help your children adjust to their parents' divorce is for you and your ex-spouse to make every effort to remain civil toward each other and to allow the children to have a close and supportive relationship with both parents. Children of divorced parents are entitled to love and respect both of their parents. Both parents need to be involved in the children's lives and to participate in and attend school functions, special events and extra-curricular activities. The children, parents, and all blended family members should expect and extend courtesy and respect toward each other.

No matter how you feel toward your ex-spouse, your children need to know that it is all right for them to love both parents. Avoid all negative and derogatory comments about your ex-spouse and new relationships. Your children should never hear you blame the other parent for any problems in your life or in their lives. Let your anger go. Children can be afraid to express their love for the other parent if they know it will hurt your feelings. Don't make your children take sides. If you disagree, always discuss it privately away from the children.

If conflicts occur, try and not be vengeful. Be honest, but reasonable. Look again at your position, and put yourself in the other person's shoes. Assume the best, and approach problems in a positive manner. Try and focus on the future and not the past. Be sensitive and aware of problems with new relationships and blended families. When an ex-spouse becomes involved with someone new, parental egos go into a tail-spin. A parent becomes concerned that the new person is taking over their position in the children's lives. Be careful not to allow your new partner to overstep their bounds. One suggestion is that the parent, not the stepparent, needs to be the primary communicator regarding the children. Be very careful about allowing the children to call the new step-parent "Mother" or "Father." This tends to be an extremely sensitive issue for most parents. Even though you may want your children and your new spouse to spend family time together, plan to do some activities with just your children on a regular basis.

Treat your former spouse as a business partner. Cooperate with your former spouse because it is in the children's best interest to do so. Facilitate the children's time with their other parent and remember that visitation is for the children. Do everything you can to keep the children out of the conflict. How you handle matters with your ex-spouse will strongly influence your children's post-divorce adjustment. §