Helping Kids Survive Divorce
Often divorce is more than the break-up of a marriage. If children are involved, it is the break-up of a family. But divorce should not condemn a child to an unhappy life. Like it or not, the parents will be connected to each other through their kids for the rest of their lives. If the parents put the children's best interests above their own, children will usually handle the divorce successfully. Sometimes the children may even be happier as a result of the divorce, because the hostility in the home finally ends.
Children want and expect two parents before and after the divorce. Although the parents have divorced each other, the children need to feel that the parents have not divorced them. Children deal better with a divorce process, enjoy their childhoods, and grow up as emotionally healthy adults when the parents do the following:
1. Tell the kids they are loved.
Every child needs to be told by each parent that he or she loves them. It is a child's right to have a meaningful and ongoing relationship with each parent, each parent's family, and their community. A parent should tell his or her children not only that he or she loves them, but also that the other parent loves them despite the divorce. This reassures children that they will always be taken care of, and more importantly, that they are not to blame for the divorce. In addition, giving them permission to have a loving relationship with the other parent allows them to love both parents unconditionally.
2. Include the other parent in the kids' school activities and special events.
A child needs to have two active and involved parents at all times. Even after a divorce, no matter what legal terms describe the custody arrangement, both parents continue to be the parents and should attend parent/teacher conferences, sporting events involving the children, school and church activities, and other events important to the children. Children are more secure and happy when they look into a crowd and see both parents watching them and encouraging them to do well.
3. Establish a home in which kids feel comfortable and secure.
It is important to create two homes where the children are comfortable. Kids have a lot of anxiety about how their lives will change after the divorce. In most families a child is used to seeing both parents every day. It may take time for kids to get used to spending time alone with each parent in separate homes.
It is important that each parent participate in regular activities together with the children, even on weekend visits. This will help normalize the children's lives. Spending time one-on-one may bring the parent even closer to the children. Continuing the children's other relationships is important also. A parent needs to make special efforts to help the children see their friends and relatives.
Make every effort to agree on the basic rules of discipline. Children need for each home to have similar sets of rules and expectations.
4. Be consistent with visitation.
Each parent needs to be on time. Plans should not be canceled, unless necessary. When cancellations occur, a parent should give as much notice as possible and reschedule the time missed. Holidays are special times for families. When parents are divorced, holidays are complicated and confusing. Children need to understand that although the way holidays are celebrated may change, they will continue to celebrate holidays and spend and enjoy time with each parent. As kids get older and they become more involved with school and friends, parents need to be attuned to these issues and be flexible with visitation schedules.
5. Don't argue in front of the kids.
Under no circumstances should parents say anything negative about each other in front of the children. Kids feel best when the fighting between the parents stops and their parents are happy again.
6. Don't interrogate kids for information about the other parent or use them as messengers.
Kids should be kids, not spies or confidants. Don't put kids in the middle of two people they love by asking them to choose sides.
If the parents put the children's best interests above their own, the children should survive the divorce and have a meaningful relationship with both parents. There are some excellent books dealing with issues involving children and divorce, and qualified family counselors can talk to parents and children about their feelings. Please contact our office for a reading list, referral to family therapist, or answers to any other questions you have regarding kids and divorce. §
